- Do you know how rats steal eggs? The guy on the first floor asked me, carefully unpacking the gift wrap
Don’t dream so you don’t get disappointed. I’ve always dreamed. It saved me. I’ve always had a strong sense that I must be something more in this world, that I’m here for a reason, that my whole experience is a stepping stone up. What if a banana is just a banana? One person can’t stop a comet. But he can escape to another planet and try to build happiness there. We like to start over, don’t we? Here’s a new year, everything will be different, here’s a new life to start on Monday for sure. That’s the new relationship I won’t make the mistakes I made in the previous ones. Meditation. Balance. Enlightenment. Unbridled happiness. Hallelujah.
- Nose-to-knee transplant or sadness implant? asked the research assistant at the front desk, opening a bottle of champagne
- - Happiness, I answered, picking up glass shards after a gunshot.
You can’t take words out of a song. But you can rewrite history if you really want to. An informative reason to turn black into white and white into purple. History is our main ally or enemy, depending on the situation. I’ve always loved history. Then all of a sudden I found out that history changes depending on the target of influence. Everyone has their own truth. In a world where everything is bought and sold, history is a green screen behind your back, a fancy filter for a pretty picture. It’s amazing how quickly all those fantasy movies we were fans of became our reality. We’re locked online, now to get rid of a person all you have to do is push a button and delete them. Without a piece of paper, you’re nobody. All the things that should be convenient for you turn out to be convenient for someone who has that button in front of their nose. There’s a white ball on the table, five people are sitting at the table, and each has his own fantasy about the ball. The fantasy is never wrong.
- What if the elephants really do disappear? Alice asked, standing in a crowded, smelly and sweaty subway car.
Motivational coach, that was the verdict given to me by the cute app about the most suitable job for me, in the voice of the administrator from paradise. What can I be motivated to do? My life is full of setbacks and failures. I myself have failed at finding motivation. Probably only one thing, seek help if you feel like you’re dying. I remember running down the street and dialing random numbers that an internet search came up. I wanted to sit on my ass and cry, or take a magic pill and pass out. That was the first time I understood people who cut themselves in moments of crisis. I understood this dark energy that demands an outlet by any means necessary. You just want it to end. I was flying at breakneck speed into a concrete wall in a car with no brakes or doors. I dreamed of hitting the wall or escaping. But there was only movement and fear. I don’t know how I miraculously managed to convince the best therapist in town to see me that very day. The car stopped. I got out. I didn’t die. I was saved. And I hope you will, too. BAZINGA.
- Pink or Black? asked Gerta, pouring tequila at an upcoming panic attack celebration
Christina dreamed of being a comic book heroine. Invincible and interesting. She imagined all the famous publications interviewing her and inviting her for photo shoots, that she could grace the covers for huge sales. She dreamed of being beautiful so that no one could ever turn their back on her. She dreamed of being successful so that she would never go hungry again and travel the world in comfort. She wanted to be immortal so that she could fear nothing else in this world. She wanted to be different so she wouldn’t be bored. She wanted to live greedily, cheerfully, easily and brightly. She was in a coma after being tortured in a police office. She was 21 years old. She had become a comic book heroine. She became invincible. She became a star. Not the way she wanted, but as the art of wishing gurus say, she should have worded it more accurately. If the wish didn’t come true, or didn’t come true the way you wanted it to, that’s your mistake. And here are the pens. The money is there. Business is booming. Customers are coming in droves. People need Hope. People need to dream. People don’t want to be like everyone else. People want originality.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. Jack Handey